It's Final...

As of Wednesday at about 2:45, I am officially divorced...still not sure if I feel relieved to have it over with or not. Lots and lots of stuff in my head. Not all of it can be put down in words.
Kids are good. Nothing new to talk about there. Just trying to get my mind wrapped around things and figure life out one day at a time.

So, What Do You Do....

....when you realize that no matter what you do now, it will never be what you wanted for your life when you were younger? When you realize that all the things that you thought possible 10 years ago are now way beyond your reach. When you suddenly open your eyes and go, "where did I take the wrong turn?".

How do you change the things that you're sure can't be changed? How do you start fresh with all your dreams without feeling a sense of loss for the ones that are discarded? How do you change your expectations? Change your goals? Change the picture in your mind that tells you how things should be or are...and be ok with it, be happy with what you have, not expect more or be unhappy with what you can accomplish?

These are all things that run through my mind at night when I try to sleep...or when I wake up and can't fall back asleep in the middle of the night...my brain just doesn't seem to know that I can only process so much at a time. My brain needs to keep going to process things I suppose, but my mind just can't sometimes.

O well, back to life and dealing with all the little things that make my day crazy and interesting...

Frustrated is an Understatement...

This whole week, heck make that this whole month, has been frustrating and long and just one of those weeks/months that make me wanna scream and pull hair out. Between the ex and the kids and the man in my life...I swear life is out to get me! Get done with a bout of pneumonia and 2 kids having bronchitis and they both still have a nagging cough and 1 still keeps running fevers...
The ex keeps making things all about the "us" that used to be and how he wants me to come to my senses and get back together with him...after telling me that he's trying to get with this girl. I wish him luck, he thinks I want him back, but honestly after almost 7 months I've moved on more than he has obviously.
The guy I'm seeing...another interesting story...maybe another time :) but at least most of the time we're on the same page and he makes me smile.

I keep having interesting dreams about my childhood and remembering things that I haven't thought of for years...an eye opening experience for sure, but not always a bad thing.
Still trying to get to the point where I write every day, but sometimes I just don't have the words to express things. Hoping this gets easier...

Ok, So I already skipped a couple days...

Trying to get back to writing isn't as easy as I thought it would be...sometimes I have a bunch of ideas and can't get them out quick enough. Other times I sit and stare at the screen and wonder what to say.
Side note, what kind of twisted sense of humor does it take to schedule a divorce hearing for Valentine's Day? I mean really? It's bad enough that it wasn't final when it was supposed to be, but now I have the added fun of going to court on Valentine's...this should be interesting.
Kids are feeling better for the most part, aside from the nagging cough that won't go away. And joy of joys, we're supposed to get a snowstorm between tonight and tomorrow night. They're saying up to 7+ inches in some areas. YAY...not!

Had to Take a Break...

I'm going to try and post at least a thought every day. I've been taking a break to look at how things are in my life compared to how I want them to be.
Plus, the kids and I have been sick. Bronchitis for them, pneumonia for me. Not pleasant by any means but we're all on the path to getting better.
Today's thought: One Day at a Time...

Been an Up and Down Week....

It's been kinda crazy around here this week, at least emotionally. I've been up and down on this crazy emotional rollercoaster, and of course it's not been made any easier by the hormonal changes @ this particular time of the month. Going back and forth on so many things.
Other than that, it hasn't been too bad. We had our first snowfall of the season today. I have 2 court dates for the divorce and child support and whatever else they wanna throw at me. I have my youngest staying with me tonight, even though it's dad's week, and thankfully dad is willing to help make his transition easier. He stays with me usually at least 1 or 2 days during dad's week. It helps him to know that no matter what I'm still here and he can still be with me.
Have Caitlin's IEP tomorrow, so I probably won't get to see Gabe since Grandma's gonna get him off the bus, so tonight will partially make up for that. It's gonna be a busy couple of weeks...between now and December 16, I have 2 IEP meetings, an SSI appointment, Thanksgiving, helping mom and my sister move and TWO court dates. WOW...the fun part is making sure I have the gas to do what I need to get done.
At least I have all the bills paid for the month.

Last night Chad and I sat and talked for a good while, and just tried to feel some things out as far as my feelings towards my soon-to-be ex. It's weird to me to feel the way I do sometimes. But it really does help knowing that he at least somewhat understands. I just keep feeling like this is only going to last so long and then I'll be back in the same emotional boat I was in before...
On a positive note, all the kids are getting along and no fighting :) yay me!

It's Been 4 Months...

Since he decided to be on the same page as me and agreed that our marriage was finished. He moved out 4 months ago yesterday. He filed for divorce 3 months ago yesterday. Why does it seem like so much longer? Is it bad that I can still remember the look on his face before he stormed out the door the last day he was here? That I still wake up sometimes and think of something I need to have him pick up on his way home from work? I mean, realistically, I know this is done, it has been for some time. And I don't usually miss him during the day, heck I don't even always think of him during the day...but sometimes it sneaks up on me. Sometimes I really do wonder if I had tried harder to make things work instead of giving up...where would we be now?

I'm happy with my life right now, at least as far as the choices I'm making now. I'm trying to make the best decisions I can for the kids and I. Chad has been amazingly helpful as far as helping me when I feel like crying or melting down. It's not an easy time right now. I'm stuck in that limbo between being married and being divorced...stuck in between wishing I could get this over with and being afraid of what the next step will bring.

The kids are adjusting, sometimes better than others...it kills me though to see them struggle with keeping themselves in check when they don't like the way things are going. Going back into public school has been a huge adjustment for them all, I wish I could make it easier for them...hell at this point I wish we hadn't pulled them out to homeschool them in the first place.
One day at a time...