So, What Do You Do....

....when you realize that no matter what you do now, it will never be what you wanted for your life when you were younger? When you realize that all the things that you thought possible 10 years ago are now way beyond your reach. When you suddenly open your eyes and go, "where did I take the wrong turn?".

How do you change the things that you're sure can't be changed? How do you start fresh with all your dreams without feeling a sense of loss for the ones that are discarded? How do you change your expectations? Change your goals? Change the picture in your mind that tells you how things should be or are...and be ok with it, be happy with what you have, not expect more or be unhappy with what you can accomplish?

These are all things that run through my mind at night when I try to sleep...or when I wake up and can't fall back asleep in the middle of the night...my brain just doesn't seem to know that I can only process so much at a time. My brain needs to keep going to process things I suppose, but my mind just can't sometimes.

O well, back to life and dealing with all the little things that make my day crazy and interesting...

Frustrated is an Understatement...

This whole week, heck make that this whole month, has been frustrating and long and just one of those weeks/months that make me wanna scream and pull hair out. Between the ex and the kids and the man in my life...I swear life is out to get me! Get done with a bout of pneumonia and 2 kids having bronchitis and they both still have a nagging cough and 1 still keeps running fevers...
The ex keeps making things all about the "us" that used to be and how he wants me to come to my senses and get back together with him...after telling me that he's trying to get with this girl. I wish him luck, he thinks I want him back, but honestly after almost 7 months I've moved on more than he has obviously.
The guy I'm seeing...another interesting story...maybe another time :) but at least most of the time we're on the same page and he makes me smile.

I keep having interesting dreams about my childhood and remembering things that I haven't thought of for years...an eye opening experience for sure, but not always a bad thing.
Still trying to get to the point where I write every day, but sometimes I just don't have the words to express things. Hoping this gets easier...

Had to Take a Break...

I'm going to try and post at least a thought every day. I've been taking a break to look at how things are in my life compared to how I want them to be.
Plus, the kids and I have been sick. Bronchitis for them, pneumonia for me. Not pleasant by any means but we're all on the path to getting better.
Today's thought: One Day at a Time...

It's Been 4 Months...

Since he decided to be on the same page as me and agreed that our marriage was finished. He moved out 4 months ago yesterday. He filed for divorce 3 months ago yesterday. Why does it seem like so much longer? Is it bad that I can still remember the look on his face before he stormed out the door the last day he was here? That I still wake up sometimes and think of something I need to have him pick up on his way home from work? I mean, realistically, I know this is done, it has been for some time. And I don't usually miss him during the day, heck I don't even always think of him during the day...but sometimes it sneaks up on me. Sometimes I really do wonder if I had tried harder to make things work instead of giving up...where would we be now?

I'm happy with my life right now, at least as far as the choices I'm making now. I'm trying to make the best decisions I can for the kids and I. Chad has been amazingly helpful as far as helping me when I feel like crying or melting down. It's not an easy time right now. I'm stuck in that limbo between being married and being divorced...stuck in between wishing I could get this over with and being afraid of what the next step will bring.

The kids are adjusting, sometimes better than others...it kills me though to see them struggle with keeping themselves in check when they don't like the way things are going. Going back into public school has been a huge adjustment for them all, I wish I could make it easier for them...hell at this point I wish we hadn't pulled them out to homeschool them in the first place.
One day at a time...